when they’re your person, but you’re not theirs.

I took a break from blogging for a while to really focus on a few things and within that time, I went through a breakup twice, with the same person. 

And as you’ve read the title, it didn’t work. We tried and it just didn’t work. I wanted it so badly. Anxiety took over the last few months maybe trying to tell me a few things, I’ve learned from it. Anxiety is a beast, but so is love, and they both can hurt like hell when things aren’t going right.

For so long I tried to convince myself that something in that person would break down and want this as much as I do, but my gut was right, and that didn’t happen, but that’s okay, and I’ll be okay, even if I’m not okay right now. 

We had great moments over the past year that I’ll forever cherish, don’t get me wrong. I loved so many moments, and my heart will ALWAYS undeniably have a place in my heart for the man I truly thought was the one. I did everything in my power to not get to the point of another break up, because I knew a break up was something I didn’t ever want to get to again. I wanted this person to be my person. And I thought he was mine, but I wasn’t his, and that’s a fucking hard pill to swallow no matter how hard you try to forget that that’s the case.

I’ve had plenty of tears over the last 48 hours, and lots of spontaneous decisions, like taking the next flight to Florida to be with my parents.. my support system. Writing this is incredibly difficult for me to do, but something I needed to do. Writing is my therapy and putting it out there for others to read in case it might help them, helps me too. 

From this whole process of love and pain and guilt and ‘what ifs’  I’ve learned so much about myself and what I need, and I’ve also realized that sometimes things just aren’t meant to work no matter how badly you want them to. Life has another plan for you. Even if right now it makes no sense, and makes you want to throw things and scream at the top of your lungs and ask the universe ‘why?’.

And right now, I’m going to be honest and say that I’m crying, and I’m incredibly hurt and I’m screaming at the universe trying to understand something that makes no sense to me, but I know it will make sense one day. Everything happens for some sort of reason, and I’ll understand one day. I know I will.

I know this next month or two will probably be shit for a while, and I’ll have good days and bad but I’m building the strength to truly understand that this is what needs to happen, and that I’m going to grow from this. I’m going to be stronger through this.

I’m 22 years old and to think of the life that lies ahead of me is terrifying but I’m so excited. I have dreams of taking my international business degree to London. I have other aspirations of moving to New York City and becoming the big city bad ass I’ve always knew I’d become. I fell in love with New York when I went there over a year or so ago, and something’s been pulling me there ever since. 

I put my life on hold for a year to give all of my love to someone incredibly amazing, but someone who didn’t want to truly accept the love I gave for what it was. I lost myself and lost sight of my dreams I’ve always had.  Now it’s time to re-find ME.

And as Ariana put it: thank u, next.